Hooked on hope

By KEJORA MAWADDAH

An imperfect child shows his mother that all is not lost.

June 2008

WHAT makes a woman perfectly happy? Tying the knot with her loved one and having a baby?

Of course! That’s how I feel now.

Calvin is perfect, from head to toe. He’s rich, and everything that a girl wants. I’m lucky! Marrying him makes me feel complete.

I touch my belly; it’s almost six months now and baby is moving. I always communicate with him.

“Hello mummy’s boy. How are you?” I ask. Calvin wants a boy and when the scan confirmed that, he was ecstactic.

The door opens and I turn.

“Hey, how are you?” Calvin says, hugging me from behind. He’s just back from the office.

“I’m fine.”

“How’s our baby?” he asks, touching my bump.

“Why not ask him yourself?”

Calvin kneels before me and puts his ear on my belly.

“Hello, baby. Daddy’s here. Hello....” He laughs and I join in.

September 2008

I deliver on the day the doctors calculated. Calvin says the baby looks like him. He’s been holding him all day. I smile even though I still feel weak and tired. He gives Daniel to me to breastfeed. That’s the name chosen by Calvin’s father; it means smart and cute.

I don’t know about names but as long as Calvin is happy, I’m fine. As I look down at Daniel I cannot believe the seed of our love is in my arms.

“Yes darling, he looks exactly like you,” I say as tears roll down my cheeks.

January 2009

We attend a musikgarten class in Petaling Jaya as we have been told the programme is very good for babies and new parents. It stimulates baby’s brain cells through music while nurturing the bond between parents and child. Throughout the 30 minutes, Calvin is next to me, watching Daniel smile and laugh. It looks like he’s enjoying the session. Seeing both of them happy is the perfect moment for me.

February 2009

Madam Wong at the music centre notices that Daniel does not respond like the other kids, especially when his name is called. Calvin and I have not been aware of this. She suggests we take him for a checkup.

We’ve seen four different doctors but we’re not satisfied with their diagnosis: They say Daniel is deaf and mute.

Calvin is badly affected by the news. He blames me for what has happened, saying that I must have a genetic defect. He says his family has perfect genes, so it must be my side. I ask my parents if we have anyone with genetic problems and they say, “No!”

My husband is not himself any more; he seldom touches Daniel or even looks at him. And every day, his words torture me: “This is your fault! I wasn’t supposed to marry you. We’re shouldn’t be together!”

He slams the door in the middle of the night and leaves the house. I hear Daniel crying in the next room. I pull out a blanket and wrap it around him. I try to calm down him by singing some song, and tapping to it, like how Calvin and I did at the musikgarten. When I gaze into his innocent eyes, I wonder if he can understand me.

July 2009

For two weeks now, Calvin has not been home. Every time I phone him, he either hangs up or switches off his mobile. I lie back in bed with the radio on. Loud. I know Daniel is sleeping, but who cares. He’s deaf. Suddenly a Jay Chou song comes on the air, and one phrase of the lyrics seems to speak to me: “What’s wrong? You’re tired? Where is our promised happiness?”

I reach for a pillow, cover my ears and sob. I miss Calvin dearly.

August 2009

Daniel tries to take a few steps but keeps falling down. Calvin comes home after a month of avoiding us, but not for good. He is packing all his stuff. As Daniel plays on his mat, I sit quietly a distance away. I feel bad for him.

Calvin comes down the stairs and stands in front of me. “I have signed my part of the papers. After you’re done, just pass them to my lawyer. He will settle everything on my behalf.”

He puts an envelope on the table, picks up his bags and walks towards the door. I close my eyes; I dare not watch him walk away from me and out of my life. I knew this was coming, sooner or later

As I hear the door close, I open my eyes and burst into tears.

I’m all alone now. This is not my perfect ending. I cry and cry....

Suddenly, I feel someone touching me. I turn and there is Daniel, tapping my back and holding his blanket. I am surprised that he can understand what I’m going through. Then, it just hits me – I am not alone!